Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns: Codependents Often...
- Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling
- Minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel
- Perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others
- Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others
- Label others with their negative traits
- Think they can take care of themselves without any help from others
- Mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation
- Express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways
- Do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted
Low Self Esteem Patterns: Codependents Often...
- Have difficulty making decisions
- Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough
- Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts
- Value others' approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own
- Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons
- Seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than
- Have difficulty admitting a mistake
- Need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good
- Are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want
- Perceive themselves as superior to others
- Look to others to provide their sense of safety
- Have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects
- Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries
Compliance Patterns: Codependents Often...
- Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long
- Compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger
- Put aside their own interests in order to do what others want
- Are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings
- Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others
- Accept sexual attention when they want love
- Make decisions without regard to the consequences
- Give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change
Control Patterns: Codependents Often...
- Believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves
- Attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel
- Freely offer advice and direction without being asked
- Become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice
- Lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence
- Use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance
- Have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others
- Demand that their needs be met by others
- Use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate
- Use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally
- Refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate
- Adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes
- Use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others
- Pretend to agree with others to get what they want
Avoidance Patterns: Codependents Often...
- Act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them
- Judge harshly what others think, say, or do
- Avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance
- Allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships
- Use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation
- Diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery
- Suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable
- Pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away
- Refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves
- Believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness
- Withhold expressions of appreciation
